The Breakdown
It was a Sunday, and of course I was at work. I had a 10:30-7:30pm shift and had a test and a quiz the next day. I had worked Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, so as far as how prepared I was for this test...all I had done was my review sheet. Throughout the day I felt fine because when I got home all I had to do was go over the review a couple times and I would feel prepared for this. As for the quiz, it was open note so I just needed to make my cheat sheet of the equations. So I wasn't too worried.
It had been a rough day at work. It was crazy. People were needy and I was tired. I was the only one closing in my department and it was a mess. There had only been two of us all day, me and the manager. As closing time came closer, I began to move slower and lost all motivation. By 7:00 all I cared about was that it looked presentable, I didn't care if it was sized, if it was filled, or anything, I was annoyed by the slightest things. I remember hearing my co-workers muttering things, of course assuming the worse and thinking it was about me and just losing more and more motivation. By the end of the night I didn't even talk to anyone and just left when they told us it was time to go...I had other priorities to attend to.
When I got home I made dinner and watched an episode of The Vampire Diaries on Netflix...then 2..then 3..then it was 4am. I was sitting on my couch watching TV with no motivation for anything and not even tired. This was my breaking point. I didn't care about my test the next day I didn't care about my quiz I didn't care about anything. I didn't care because I thought it was all pointless. I thought everything I was doing up to this point was a waste of my time. I thought that all my hard work was never going to pay off because I was never going to get a job I actually enjoyed and I was worthless.
I eventually fell asleep around 6am and ended up skipping my first two classes..to study for my test of course. As I was studying for my test my friends in my classes were texting me where I was and I wasn't responding. I wasn't responding to anyone. However, I was fighting with someone who seemed to cause the most drama in my life. I ended up lashing out on him and trying to explain to him how I needed him to support me and not to act how he was...did he listen? Of course not. So I began to break down even more. I began to start crying because I was not prepared for this exam, I felt like everything I was doing was wrong and nothing was in my favor. So, I went grabbed a knife...and cut myself a few times on the wrist. The pain felt good it's hard to explain but each cut felt like I was setting myself free. So I kept going. Then I started balling my eyes out and reached for the phone and called my mom. I explained to my mom everything up to this point. I told her I had about two hours until the test and I still had to go to work after the test too. She gave me motivation. She talked me through everything. I did try to call into work but unfortunately could not find anyone to cover my shift...gotta love being full time..so I went anyways. I studied. Took my test. Went to work.
When I got to work my eyes were red..I kept crying on the way over of course. The tears could not stop for some reason. I put my things away and one of the managers jokingly commented how everyone said I looked great..knowing that I wasn't. I went to the manager's office to clock in, where the store manager was and he asked if I was feeling ok because he heard I was sick..if I was sick and couldn't work I could just go home he was telling me. In my head I was like just be strong, say your fine. But I couldn't hold it in any longer, I bursted out crying, closed the door and told him I had depression and that I tried/wanted to kill myself today. He immediately called in another manager and we talked through everything. He called the district manager and so on. They were both concerned about my safety so I had to do the hotline call to set up a plan. At first when I told them, I regretted it because he started calling so many people, but their reactions were what lifted me up. It made me realize that I am not alone and I do have people out there who do care about me.
For anyone who is going through something like this, I encourage you to speak up. Even if it is just to one person. If I didn't have my mom to talk to that day, I don't know where I would be right now. Yes, they don't know exactly what you are going through, but they can be there for support. Also, I always thought those hotlines were stupid, but when I called them they were actually very helpful and even gave me advice on what to do if I ever have another breakdown as extreme as this. It was a roller coaster ride. But at the end of the day, I am grateful for the life that I was given.