Living With Anxiety.

The worst part of living with anxiety and depression is the way I come off towards people. To some people I may look like an asshole. I am terrified of talking on the phone and starting conversations with complete strangers. I sometimes even hate even texting my own friends and seem like I am coming on too strong. So I wait too long to reply and make it seem like I don't even care.

But the thing is I do care, more than people probably realize. I care so much that sometimes it hurts.

I may come across to some people as a snob, because I find it hard to talk. I'm not trying to be a bitch, I'm just trying to survive. Being social is like a war zone in my opinion. That's why my cheeks redden and my lungs flutter.

I don't jump into conversations. I am quiet in groups. People assume that I am just sitting there, judging every word that pops out of their lips when really I am in awe of how easily they can communicate. How natural it is for them. How human they are and how fucked up I am.

Of course, they don't realize that I have anxiety. They just think I'm quiet. Shy.

No, no one realizes I have anxiety because I am not shaking, I'm not hyperventilating in a paper bag. No, noe sees my break downs because they all happen before I see them.

The night before, on my drive there. I'm there freaking out. I just imagine everything that could go wrong and how could I end up embarrassing myself.

But when I am in public, I internalize everything. I try to minimize my physical symptoms to avoid drawing attention to myself. But because I calmed my shaking doesn't mean I have calmed my mind.

I'm still anxious..just not showing it. Secretly, I am freaking out over what I look like..what I look like to others. Freaking out over what to say next. Freaking out over why someone across the room gave me a strange look.

If I need to compare myself, I will escape to the bathroom and heavy breathe inside of a stall or splash water acorss my face, and then walk back into the room like I am perfectly fine.

But I am not fine. Anxiety makes sure I am never fine.

It makes me hate myself. It makes me turn down oppurtunities that I know I would enjoy. It makes me stay quiet when I have something important to say.

It makes me look like a complete asshole.

But it is not true at all. I am just someone that is trying to get through the day..alive. Someone that wants to be liked, but feels like they will never belong.