Why I am Done Trying to be "Perfect"
Social media can be a pain in the ass these days. I think most people understand that, but I also think people don't. What we see on social media is what everyone wants us to see. We see the perfect moment's in everyone's lives. We see the ideal couple shots. The exciting news. The fun vacations. What we see are the posts when they are put together and are at their best. We see what they want us to see...which are the moments when they are happy. We don't always see or hear the moments when people are struggling. We don't see when they haven't showered in days. When they've just fought with loved ones. When they don't know what to do. The moments when they are scared and lost in life. Moments when they realized they have made the wrong decision and now need to fix it. We don't see the moments in their lives when everything is a mess.
I think it's very reasonable to say that people's lives are a mix of both of these moments of perfection and messes. However, when we only see others perfections; it can lead us to question our own lives:
What am I doing wrong?
Why am I not happy all the time like everyone else?
Why am I not like this more often?
Why am I hurting while everyone else isn't?
How does everyone else know what they are supposed to do with their lives and I'm still stuck?
Why am I the only one still struggling?
I have asked myself these questions numerous times. I always thought I was doing something wrong with my life. Remember back in the day when instant messenger was cool? haha well, what I would do is read other people's away statuses. I would just sit there and see how all my friends were off doing these cool things during the summer while I was at home bored outta my mind. I would then set my status as away and say I was off doing something as well..just to seem like I was living up my summer as well...when really I was just watching TV with my dog or something. I felt like such a loser. Then Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat were created...and the questioning only continued.
"I felt like such a loser."
Over the years, I became one of those people that posted only the best parts of my life onto social media. Or at least I would make it seem like they were the best parts. For some strange reason, I always felt like I needed a dude in my life as well. Not necessarily a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with him, but just someone to talk to constantly. Someone I could vent to. Someone who would come over when I asked and we would hang out. So for the past two and a half years, I was in very toxic relationship with a boy. So, whenever we would have a "good" moment, even if it was truly awful, I would take a picture and post it just to show everyone how "happy" I was with him...even though I was miserable. And because I would define our relationship as toxic, we were never actually "together" so when we fought we wouldn't talk for days. Which would lead me to talking to other dudes. Which lead me to take pictures of them and post those in an attempt to just make him jealous...which would just make things worse for me in reality. Sadly, this cycle continued on for awhile. It was like my anxiety wanted me to be perfect and have the perfect life...and if I couldn't have it in reality, then I was going to pretend for everyone else. However in the end...I just became more depressed and anxious.
I was so convinced that it was just me. That everyone else really was as happy as they said to be on social media. That I was completely messed up and unlovable because of this. This mindset became so exhausting. Pretending to be okay when I wasn't. Trying to live up to these expectations of what others perceived of what life should be. None of this was helping me at all. It wasn't making my life better. So I talk about it.
I have shared how I continue to struggle with anxiety and depression. I have asked others for their advice. I have shared how I am unsure of everything that is happening in my life. I have shared how my life is not perfect. I look like a mess the majority of the time. My friendships and relationships are not perfect, but they are worth it. When someone I know asks how I am doing, I'm going to tell them the truth. If I'm doing well, I'll tell them that. If I'm not, then I'll throw out a day by day type of thing. I am not going to expect anything in return with this. When I am being honest it releases this tension from myself. I have found if I am honest with what is going on with myself with with others, they feel more comfortable telling me what is really going on with them. I think it is comforting for all of us really.
When you share your truth, it comes with a different type of burden. I share when I am hurting. I share when I am going through issues. People worry. People feel the need to offer advice. People feel comfortable judging me. But at the end of the day, I don't think I would ever change what I am doing with my life. I want people to know that if they are struggling they are not alone. I no longer strive to be perfect...even when anxiety and depression are telling me to do so. I find so much freedom in just being myself.
I actually find myself being genuinely happier these days. I enjoy and love my life for the most part. I partake in activities that I enjoy. I have amazing friends. I am surrounded by loved ones who I know are going to support me in life. I am starting a new career path that I know I will enjoy and love. All these things aren't perfect though...and that's ok...because my life will never be perfect. I am going to get scared and stressed out while starting my new career path. People I care about will hurt me, and I may hurt them sometimes. I am still going to have those random moments of anxiety and depression...and that is okay...because...well...that is just a part of my life.
"I find so much freedom in just being myself."
Before I end this post I would just like to say that I do not judge or care that people post their happiest and perfect moments of their lives. I get it. You are just showing your best self. Remembering the good times versus the times when you were struggling. It all makes sense. All I am saying with this post is...don't ever feel the need to post something if it is not making you feel like yourself anymore. Share and talk about what makes you happy and comfortable. And if you aren't the one for sharing when you aren't feeling so hot...then don't. Your life is yours...do what makes you happy...that is the one thing that truly matters.