How a Pop Song Helped me Realize my Self-Worth
Honestly, I have never been the kind of person who sits back and reflects on their life. Majority of my time is focused on making other people's lives more comfortable, specifically in romantic relationships. I'm the kind of person who literally overthink every conversation I encounter...thanks anxiety...If I like you enough, I become that friend who will adjust my entire day around to focus on you. However, I am also the person who is constantly encouraging and helping others who don't offer that same kind of respect as a friend in return.
With that being said, I have also been the one to blame in different situations. From letting manipulation take control of my better judgement, causing me to gain traits that make me sound like a "crazy ex-girlfriend." I've had times where I'm not honest or straightforward about what I want and don't want in a relationship, and because of this I have caused way too many toxic friendships, all because it's so hard for me to say no to people. All of these patterns are what I've had such a hard time reflecting on and keep attempting to cease it all away.
Since moving home, I have began therapy. Thanks to it, I have finally gotten the chance to reflect on my poor choices and figure what triggers my stress, unhappiness, and general cynicism. I started with what was the easiest to confront, which of course are my annoyingly, toxic, relationships.
I began to map out the relationships from my past, and figure out where I went spiraling out of control from it. I was blown away and ashamed by the obvious patterns I found in my life. From kindergarten to my senior year of high school, I never really had a serious relationship with anyone. That may sound sad, but honestly, I came to the conclusion that I was fine with that. Once I headed off to college, I realized "my type of guy" just didn't exist in the town I grew up in.
When I got to college, I started to date around. The relationships didn't last too long just because I was still young, and exploring the fact that the world has so much to offer us outside a small town you grew up in your entire life.
It wasn't until my junior year of college where I finally figured out what "my type of guy" really was. However, it is also where my longest, and most toxic relationship began. Finally, it is where I came to the conclusion that I don't like being alone. Ever since I began college, I've always had someone to talk to, because I thought that, at the time, that's what made me happy.
As my time away from home was coming to an end, I found myself still trying to keep the relationship I had entered a few weeks back to continue on. It didn't click for me until now that what I needed was not another someone to talk to, but to reflect and deal with my own grievances. I needed to stop the patterns I was so accustomed to because it only made me feel upset and hurt by the pain of it all.
In my months of singularity, I have come to the realization of some very important things that I believe others can also reflect on too. In the high that we are in of Ariana Grande's epic song, 'Thank U, Next' I ask everyone to listen closely to all the lyrics in that song, and do as it says: reflect on what's going in your life and realize that being single let's you be in control of your own happiness.
I'll start with the most important realization I learned: I have a voice. I have talents. I'm an individual. I have interests outside of the people I pick to make me feel small. In the months I have spent without another person, I have been able to build back some of the shattered parts of me caused by past toxicity. I have been able to, slowly, and with the help of friends and family, realize that I don't have to feel insignificant, dumb, and ashamed of myself just to make someone else happy. Most importantly though, I realized that if I do end up picking someone new who enjoys tearing me down, I can proudly Thank U, Next them.
I have also found that now I know exactly what I want and don't want from a future relationship. For example, I don't want someone that is going to limit my freedom but someone that encourages me to be the best version of myself. We don't have to settle for the people that offer us a few good moments in exchange for a lifetime of horrible ones.
For myself, figuring out what makes me happy, and building off that to the point where you finally become confident in yourself, is my self-worth.